I feel great
I just peed on a car
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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