take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
