My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
