i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
