Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
