I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
