I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
