if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
