and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
