I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
