i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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