if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
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