im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
