She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wish there were birth control emojis
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
