WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
