Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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