You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
