I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
