3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
