I'm going to jail i love you
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
false alarm. still invincible.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
