I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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