it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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