non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
