Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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