Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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