For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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