you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My vagina is officially offended.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
