How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
