I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
