It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
