I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
