i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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