dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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