Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
