Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize