So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
