Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
