Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
