Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
