You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
