Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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