I wanna passion pit in your ass
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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