I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
