She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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