I will die if light touches me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
40s are totally the cure
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
