Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
