i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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