I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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