i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
