Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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