apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize