I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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