So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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