I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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