Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I want to stick my p in your. b.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
