I haven't been this sober since birth.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You took a bar mat shot.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize