i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
