you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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