I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
