As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
