Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
