I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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