I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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