I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
50% drunk capacity currently
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize